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Written by Ms. Ng Ka Chun, Former Principal of Lok Sin Tong Leung Wong Wai Fong Memorial School 

Young children always have low patience and have difficulty tolerating & waiting. Self-control is a comprehensive ability of an individual to properly control and regulate his or her behavior without external supervision, to suppress impulses, and persevere to ensure the achievement of goals. It is an important component in the construction of self-awareness and is an important psychological quality for the success of an individual.

Waiting is the mark of a child’s success

 

In the 1960s, the American psychologist Professor Michel conducted a fudge experiment. He took a group of children aged about four to a modestly furnished house and gave them each a very tasty piece of fudge, telling them that if they ate the fudge right away, they could only eat one; if they ate it again after 20 minutes, they would be rewarded with one more piece of fudge, and they could eat two pieces of fudge in total. After Michelle left, some children were eager to eat the candy, while others were patient, closed their eyes, or rested their heads on their arms as sleep; some children talked to themselves or sang to divert their attention and spent time restraining their desire. Through observation, Michelle found that one-third of the children ate the candy immediately, one-third of the children waited for Michelle to come back and redeem the extra reward before they started to eat, and another one-third of the children insisted at first, but then could not resist giving up waiting.

Michel continued to follow the children who participated in the experiment until they graduated from high school. The results of the follow-up study showed that the children who started eating candy right away showed a lack of confidence and did not get along well with their peers as teenagers, while those who waited until the end to eat candy were socially competent, assertive and academically successful. The “waiters” scored an average of 210 points higher on the test than the “non-waiters”. The actual results show that those children who could wait had a much higher success rate than those who could not wait.

In the above experiment, Michel introduced the concept of “delayed gratification” – the ability to wait is the ability to delay gratification, and children with delayed gratification are more likely to succeed as adults.

Let babies learn to wait a while

 

Patience is not something children are born with, but it can be mastered through learning. Before a child can learn patience, he or she must have the “ability to measure and understand time” and the “ability to understand cause and effect” before we can develop the ability to tolerate frustration and delay gratification.

Infants from zero to 18 months of age have only two or three minutes of patience. Even so, newborns must be taught to wait a while, and encouraging patience begins with simply telling them. When he hears your words, he will begin to think about what will come later, so parents can prepare their baby for his needs while describing in words what you have prepared for him. When a few months old baby hears you, he will stop fretting as a sign that he understands what you are saying, because language is linked to cause-and-effect thinking, so it helps babies learn to delay gratification.

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撰文:八爪魚家長梁永樂先生

自從被髮型師剪了一個金正恩髮型後,我不斷思考應否在家向一對子女,實施「金正恩式管教」,以強權宣揚對爸爸的個人英雄式崇拜,藉此挽回我在家中的地位及權威,執行「偉大父親領導人」,正準備在所有房間掛上自己的英偉照片,播放「愛爸爸」歌曲,可惜還未實施已宣告失敗……

應從小向孩子建立權威?

 

不少朋友都會提醒筆者要趁孩子還小的時候建立權威,否則到長大後就不會獲得尊重。朋友一番好意,都是根據他們小時候怎樣被「教導」或「教訓」,然後對爸爸的又「敬」又「畏」,到長大後與父親關係也不錯,所以得出結論是「棒下出孝兒」、「唔得唔聽話」。

有朋友分享親身「捱打」故事是「由於每天都被打,有大有小,已經習慣喇」,有一晚感到奇怪,因為未被人「教訓」,睡前更不忘提醒父母「打唔打呀?若唔打,我去瞓喇……」充滿黑色幽默。但幸好朋友本性善良,長大後沒有報復心理,也沒有成為殺人犯。

 拆解真正父權威力

 如何建立父親的權威是千古難題,我反而問「為甚麼一定要建立父權?」目的是方便管理嗎?一聲令下指揮若定,所有子女乖乖聽話;或又有多少是滿足自己的權力慾,「我是阿爸,你是子女,我說話你便要聽。」更甚者是「我說一就是一,子女沒有權利說二。」我相信,倘若我是這樣的「強權型」爸爸,自己也不會覺得快樂,因為我的爸爸也非如此霸道,一直以來從未「主宰」我的升學、就業等等的決定,除了小時候考試、默書取得近乎零分時,會狠狠贈一句「你搞乜?」一句話我已心底發毛,我覺得這才是父權的威力。

身教比管教重要

 

說回我的「金正恩管教」,長子希哥經常因為換衣服而鬧脾氣,對話經常如下,太太或我﹕「換衫喇﹗要出外啊﹗」我不斷盡力表現父權(假扮)怒斥說︰「快去換衫,快快快﹗」希哥擾擾攘攘卻未見行動,太太按捺不住﹕「仲未換衫?有無搞錯﹗」希哥搶答﹕「爸爸不肯幫我換衫﹗」我:「我話幫你換,你又唔換,快過來。」希哥大發脾氣﹕「我要自己換。」正常的我會氣上心頭,由假扮演變成為真的發怒前,希哥急步走過來抱住說﹕「今日父親節,父親節快樂﹗」我感覺似曾相識⋯⋯ 身教比管教重要,「金正恩管教」就更不需要,自動擱置。

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